A Weekend Away

 I spent last weekend at a 4 day retreat at a place for disordered eating.  It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done.

The drive there was about an hour and the weather was not great for the first 20 minutes.  Once that was done I spent the rest of the journey freaking out about going.  I was so nervous and scared to be around strangers and having to open up that I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Once I got there, there was a tour of the facility and an intake to determine your mental and physical health plus checking in your meds and keys.  I spent some time in my room reading and then we had the first group supper followed by the first evening group.  It was as awkward and stunted as you imagine as the 7 people there for the retreat were extra quiet and the 4 staff were trying to draw us out.  

As we started being in group things got slightly less awkward.  We were encouraged to talk about ourselves and learned the rules about being there and what our days would look like.  It was a good chance to get to know the staff and see what things would be like.  We then all went back to our rooms and hid till morning :)

The next day we were off and running with the program.  Days were long, starting with breakfast at 8 and ending last group at 9pm.  There are some short breaks in-between though so you can rest or snack or talk.  The schedule did not change from that until the last day when we were done by 3pm so everyone could get home.

 The weekend was very difficult with having to share our deepest thoughts and things we would normally keep secret.  Once we all started to feel a little more comfortable with each other though the conversation flowed and we learned a lot.  

I would highly recommend finding a place like this if you are suffering from disordered earing of any kind.  This one only took people from Saskatchewan but I'm sure there are others around.

It's Not A Great Day

I've had another disappointment to add to the previous one.  

The previous one was the information give that my disordered eating has pushed my surgery date back by 6-12 months.  I need to get it under control before they will let me move forward.  I've got my first booking with the psychologist on Tuesday so hopefully they can help me get this sorted.

The disappointment I received yesterday is that they are going to take my license away again due to the mini seizures I had on Monday night.  I can't even express how down I am currently feeling and the thought of losing my license again has me absolutely gutted. I've cried most of the evening and myself to sleep yesterday as I try to accept this new setback. 

Both of these things have made me question the point of being honest with anyone as it only leads to crushing disappointment and loss.

I'm very much not feeling up to anything today.

Another Episode of the Brain

 So early this morning I had another two episodes of the weird brain issue that may or may not be a small seizure.  I was in bed and mostly sleeping when they happened so no harm done but I'm concerned that my medicine is not as effective in the long run as it was going to be.  

I've placed a call into the neurologist so now it's a waiting game to hear back from them and see what the outcomes are.  

This sucks.  I hate all of it.

A Small Setback

 I've had a call (well two actually) from the social worker from the program.  He went over my intake questionnaire with me and had a few questions about some of my answers.

One of the things he asked about was my occasional purging habit.  As a result of that conversation I have to meet with the behavioral therapist before I can meet with the nurse for the next steps to move forward.  It was a difficult conversation and I'm struggling to not get down about it.  It just means it's one more thing I have to deal with before I can really get into this thing.

I have the call with them tomorrow and I hope to get through it with a minimal amount of tears.  I also have a plan to get over this issue as I want the surgery way more than I want to control things by purging.

Wish me luck!

Lifestyle & Nutrition Course

 The course was really good yesterday.  It was broken out into three parts with three different speakers and they all were helpful and friendly and spoke well on their pieces.  There were about 20 people in the class and a few familiar names from previous classes. Next steps are to speak with a Nurse about the questionnaires we filled out and our bloodwork results.

The first part of the course was on Thinking Well and went over many of the same things that were in the last course as well as some new information.  It also gave us the things we will need to bring with us to future appointments.  I'm waiting on my new food tracker to arrive so that most of the things I need to have written down will all be in one place but it's been delayed from Amazon so I'm just stuck waiting.

The second part was on Eating Well and spoken about by the dietitian who we'll be working with.  It went over what foods to eat, how to track proteins, which is the most important in this new journey and what to give up immediately or at least start to cut back on.  Most of it will not be a problem for me but the carbonation and sugary drinks will be.  I never drink water so this is going to be a challenge.

The last part was on Living Well and focused on movement and healthy bodies.  This one is also going to be a challenge for me as I always feel I don't have the time to complete anything and then I realize I sit at my desk waiting for emails to come in doing nothing and can probably take a half hour to walk on the walking pad or do a workout from FitOn in that time.  I just need to get a routine built.....I love routines...thank you OCD-like brain.....and then it'll be fine.  I've made time to study, I've made time to meditate, I can make time to exercise.

Here's hoping I get the next call for appointments soon!!

The Third and Final Class

 Today is the day of the final introductory class for the Bariatric program.  After this begins all the in-person meetings that I'll have to drive for. I was a little peeved at my doctors office though last week.  The program had sent in a request for bloodwork and needed the doctor to sign and send it off to me to get done.  I called the week they sent it and the next week after, just to be told both times the doctor hadn't even opened it yet.  They finally called me and said it was ready to go on the third week but oh yeah, the program only gives you three weeks to get this done so hurry up and complete it.....I was choked.  If my doctors office gets me removed from this program due to being unable to accommodate requests coming in, and being able to get to them in a timely manner there will be words exchanged.  Thankfully, I got it all done and it seems my vitamin D is low but that's a minor thing.  

The course today is on Lifestyle and Nutrition.  It's another one where they have provided a workbook but we'll see if it's like last weeks where they didn't use it during the class and you have to go through it yourself or if it will be used.  It's going to be interesting to see how many people are on this class.  The last two have had about 20 each time so I'm guessing that's where it will end up but they had said to expect things to start to spread out as people commit to different levels and times due to their lives.  

Well off to work for the morning, have a good day!!

The Craving Change Course

 The second course in the Bariatric Surgery program was a much better showing of the program then the first one was.

They went over the basics of the course and gave us the workbook so that we can work through the actual course on our own time.  Then it discussed the ways our environment, choices, and mental states can help or derail the process.  It explained the differences between the types of hunger and how they each affect how we eat.  It was a good course and I learned many things that will be helpful as I go forward with this new way of things that have to be done.

Overall I enjoyed the course but it did bring about some feelings of failure as so many of the things they mention within it are habits I have that are just poor habits and that I will need to adjust.  It's a start of the big changes to come.