A Weekend Away

 I spent last weekend at a 4 day retreat at a place for disordered eating.  It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done.

The drive there was about an hour and the weather was not great for the first 20 minutes.  Once that was done I spent the rest of the journey freaking out about going.  I was so nervous and scared to be around strangers and having to open up that I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Once I got there, there was a tour of the facility and an intake to determine your mental and physical health plus checking in your meds and keys.  I spent some time in my room reading and then we had the first group supper followed by the first evening group.  It was as awkward and stunted as you imagine as the 7 people there for the retreat were extra quiet and the 4 staff were trying to draw us out.  

As we started being in group things got slightly less awkward.  We were encouraged to talk about ourselves and learned the rules about being there and what our days would look like.  It was a good chance to get to know the staff and see what things would be like.  We then all went back to our rooms and hid till morning :)

The next day we were off and running with the program.  Days were long, starting with breakfast at 8 and ending last group at 9pm.  There are some short breaks in-between though so you can rest or snack or talk.  The schedule did not change from that until the last day when we were done by 3pm so everyone could get home.

 The weekend was very difficult with having to share our deepest thoughts and things we would normally keep secret.  Once we all started to feel a little more comfortable with each other though the conversation flowed and we learned a lot.  

I would highly recommend finding a place like this if you are suffering from disordered earing of any kind.  This one only took people from Saskatchewan but I'm sure there are others around.

It's Not A Great Day

I've had another disappointment to add to the previous one.  

The previous one was the information give that my disordered eating has pushed my surgery date back by 6-12 months.  I need to get it under control before they will let me move forward.  I've got my first booking with the psychologist on Tuesday so hopefully they can help me get this sorted.

The disappointment I received yesterday is that they are going to take my license away again due to the mini seizures I had on Monday night.  I can't even express how down I am currently feeling and the thought of losing my license again has me absolutely gutted. I've cried most of the evening and myself to sleep yesterday as I try to accept this new setback. 

Both of these things have made me question the point of being honest with anyone as it only leads to crushing disappointment and loss.

I'm very much not feeling up to anything today.

Another Episode of the Brain

 So early this morning I had another two episodes of the weird brain issue that may or may not be a small seizure.  I was in bed and mostly sleeping when they happened so no harm done but I'm concerned that my medicine is not as effective in the long run as it was going to be.  

I've placed a call into the neurologist so now it's a waiting game to hear back from them and see what the outcomes are.  

This sucks.  I hate all of it.

A Small Setback

 I've had a call (well two actually) from the social worker from the program.  He went over my intake questionnaire with me and had a few questions about some of my answers.

One of the things he asked about was my occasional purging habit.  As a result of that conversation I have to meet with the behavioral therapist before I can meet with the nurse for the next steps to move forward.  It was a difficult conversation and I'm struggling to not get down about it.  It just means it's one more thing I have to deal with before I can really get into this thing.

I have the call with them tomorrow and I hope to get through it with a minimal amount of tears.  I also have a plan to get over this issue as I want the surgery way more than I want to control things by purging.

Wish me luck!

Lifestyle & Nutrition Course

 The course was really good yesterday.  It was broken out into three parts with three different speakers and they all were helpful and friendly and spoke well on their pieces.  There were about 20 people in the class and a few familiar names from previous classes. Next steps are to speak with a Nurse about the questionnaires we filled out and our bloodwork results.

The first part of the course was on Thinking Well and went over many of the same things that were in the last course as well as some new information.  It also gave us the things we will need to bring with us to future appointments.  I'm waiting on my new food tracker to arrive so that most of the things I need to have written down will all be in one place but it's been delayed from Amazon so I'm just stuck waiting.

The second part was on Eating Well and spoken about by the dietitian who we'll be working with.  It went over what foods to eat, how to track proteins, which is the most important in this new journey and what to give up immediately or at least start to cut back on.  Most of it will not be a problem for me but the carbonation and sugary drinks will be.  I never drink water so this is going to be a challenge.

The last part was on Living Well and focused on movement and healthy bodies.  This one is also going to be a challenge for me as I always feel I don't have the time to complete anything and then I realize I sit at my desk waiting for emails to come in doing nothing and can probably take a half hour to walk on the walking pad or do a workout from FitOn in that time.  I just need to get a routine built.....I love routines...thank you OCD-like brain.....and then it'll be fine.  I've made time to study, I've made time to meditate, I can make time to exercise.

Here's hoping I get the next call for appointments soon!!

The Third and Final Class

 Today is the day of the final introductory class for the Bariatric program.  After this begins all the in-person meetings that I'll have to drive for. I was a little peeved at my doctors office though last week.  The program had sent in a request for bloodwork and needed the doctor to sign and send it off to me to get done.  I called the week they sent it and the next week after, just to be told both times the doctor hadn't even opened it yet.  They finally called me and said it was ready to go on the third week but oh yeah, the program only gives you three weeks to get this done so hurry up and complete it.....I was choked.  If my doctors office gets me removed from this program due to being unable to accommodate requests coming in, and being able to get to them in a timely manner there will be words exchanged.  Thankfully, I got it all done and it seems my vitamin D is low but that's a minor thing.  

The course today is on Lifestyle and Nutrition.  It's another one where they have provided a workbook but we'll see if it's like last weeks where they didn't use it during the class and you have to go through it yourself or if it will be used.  It's going to be interesting to see how many people are on this class.  The last two have had about 20 each time so I'm guessing that's where it will end up but they had said to expect things to start to spread out as people commit to different levels and times due to their lives.  

Well off to work for the morning, have a good day!!

The Craving Change Course

 The second course in the Bariatric Surgery program was a much better showing of the program then the first one was.

They went over the basics of the course and gave us the workbook so that we can work through the actual course on our own time.  Then it discussed the ways our environment, choices, and mental states can help or derail the process.  It explained the differences between the types of hunger and how they each affect how we eat.  It was a good course and I learned many things that will be helpful as I go forward with this new way of things that have to be done.

Overall I enjoyed the course but it did bring about some feelings of failure as so many of the things they mention within it are habits I have that are just poor habits and that I will need to adjust.  It's a start of the big changes to come.

Today is Course Two

 Today is the second course in the Bariatric program and it's another three hour one.  This one is on cravings and how to change your relationship with food.  This I think will be the hardest one for me to manage so hopefully there are some good tips and tricks in there to keep me going.

I'm also hopeful that this one is run a little better than the last one was.  It was quite painful listening to the people who had never used Webex before and getting no help from the administrators to figure things out.  

How the Session Went

 Yesterday was the first session of the Bariatric program and to be honest it didn't inspire the best reaction in me.  The webex was poorly run and the handoffs between presenters were horrible.  The content was good, it gave a lot of information but for something they say they run on a monthly basis it was just not a good showing for them.

The class itself discussed the risks and possible outcomes of the program. It detailed where to get other mental health help so that you are prepared for the program.  It strongly discussed the lifestyle changes that will be necessary to have success for this program.  It also made it clear that this is not a simple fix that will solve everything but just a process to help us along the way.

It Starts Today

 Today is the first of my appointments with the Bariatric program and it's a long one.  They have said to block off three hours for the virtual class.  They didn't give much information about what will be covered in the course, just that it's a bariatric basics course and like everything else in the program it's mandatory.

I'm excited but also a little nervous as I don't know what to expect.  I'm also feeling the nerves from beginning this process to hopefully make myself a better person and change the multiple habits that have got me to where I am today.

We'll see how things go today and fingers crossed it's a good experience for me to start things off.

The Journey Begins

 So I've been waiting for something for the last two and a half years and today I finally got the call.  

In Saskatchewan, if you have a valid health card and a recommendation from your primary doctor, you are eligible for bariatric surgery.  As someone who has been overweight for years and tried many different things to combat this, I'm feeling both relieved and terrified at the prospect and the work ahead of me.  

I am technically classified as morbidly obese according to the BMI scale.  It's hard to know as I don't think of myself as that big but then I see a picture and I'm horrified.  I'm not expecting any magic with the surgery but with the appropriate mindset and goals I should be able to learn the new way of living that will become my normal after this.  The expectation is that you lose 35-40% of your body weight from the surgery.  While that is amazing and I'll definitely take that, I still want to be down more than that as a total goal.  I want to feel like me again.  It's not so much that I jus want to be thin but I want to be able to go upstairs carrying a laundry basket and not be out of breath.  I want to say yes to playing with my girls and not just veg on the couch because I'm too tired or too out of shape to deal with it.  I want to be the fun and outgoing person I was once that I've lost due to not wanting to put myself out there as a big person.  

So, I'll do my best to keep you updated as I start and work through this journey.  My first step is a Bariatric Basics virtual class on June 30th.  

Let the fun begin!

Time for an EEG Again

 This morning I've got to go for another EEG.  This time however it's a sleep deprivation one.  That means I was to go to bed at my normal time and then only sleep for 2-4 hours.  I think I got about 2.5-3 because as we all know, once you have to get up at a random time you don't sleep well thinking you are going to miss the alarm and just keep sleeping.

I've had a regular EEG very shortly after the first seizure and it was fine, they found nothing of interest and it was an easy test to have done.  I'm expecting that this one will be similar.  I don't know why there is a difference between a sleep deprivation one and a normal one but obviously there is something that they can tell from each of them and my neurologist has ordered this one to go along with the first.

The test last time consisted of a group of electrodes being attached to my head and then a series of tests being performed, one of which was to shine a bright light into my eyes and flash it multiple times.  So far flashing lights do not cause me to have seizures so it was fine but the light is very bright that they use and it's not comfortable to have it shone at you for the length it was.

O.....

 O is a tough one for me.  I don't use to many words that start with O or have a deep connection to the letter in any way.

I think I'm going to go with octopus.  I'm fascinated with them.  They are so intelligent and beautiful.  I am constantly astounded with their ability to learn and figure things out.  They are also very interesting in their ability to colour shift.  I refuse to eat octopus now after reading and learning about them.

Have a Happy Easter everyone, if I don't make it back on here before then.

N is for.....

 Well again I've missed many days but I have been travelling for work and there just hasn't been time to get this up.

N is an easier one for me as it's the first letter of my step-daughters name.  She is a grown women but has really come into her own in the last few years with her learnings and personal growth.  She is a good role model for the younger two and makes time for them in her life.  I appreciate that she knows what she wants and goes for it.  

G....

 So it turns out I can't count and while I posted E yesterday it should have been F, hence today is G.

For my word of G, it's actually a person.  We have a friend who we call G, for reasons long forgotten to the mists of time.  He lives in BC but has come home for a short while as his mother was unwell.  Unfortunately she passed yesterday and so there is a flurry of things that have to be done.  He will be staying for a little longer but I doubt will be here past the weekend.  

A fairly depressing post for today but that is the first thing that I was able to come up with.

E is For.....

 E is a difficult letter to come up with.  Obviously I've missed a few letters but here we are again for this day.

So for E I'm going to say Energy.  It's something that most days I am lacking.  I can sleep literally any time and anywhere for hours at a time.  I am constantly sleep deprived.  Some of that is due to Bear sleeping with me most nights and I think some of it is due to perimenopause and that hijacking my sleep and dreams.  My dreams are so weird and vivid that I wake up and wonder what part of my subconscious is active and what it's trying to tell me.

Bear will not sleep with me forever so I know that will stop but I'm guessing that the perimenopause will last for a few more years yet.

Have a great Monday!!

ABC's for April

 There is a blogging theme going around that for the month of April, everyday but Sunday you write a post beginning with the next letter of the alphabet.  While I know I won't hit them all, I thought it would be fun to see what I can do.  So let's begin!

A

I'm going to go basic and say APPLES!  Apples were on BOGOF at the CO-OP this week and so we have 10lbs of them to eat up.  Only Bug likes them out of the kids but both Hubs and I eat them so they shouldn't go to waste.

Let's see how many days I can manage!

Frosty Friday

 We got the snow storm they predicted yesterday.  It was cool and snowy all day.  I went out to grab the garbage can after it was emptied and ended up on my backside.  Thankfully nothing hurts today but it was a good fall.  Hubs did a bunch of snow blowing and now it's snowing again as I write this so it seems like there will be more in his future.  

Both girls are having sleepovers this weekend.  Bug is going to a friends house tonight and Bear is having a friend over tomorrow night.  Should be chaos and tired children all weekend.  It's good for them though.

Not too much else happening today.  I've got  a town hall meeting at work and then a few more meetings to round out the day.

Thursday

 It's about to get snowy here today.  We are expecting 10-15cm over the next 24 hours and it's not going to be pretty.  They are already forecasting no travel advisories as the snow will be blowing like crazy as well.  We've got the snow blower batteries charged up and ready for later today.

Work has been keeping me busy as well.  There always seems to be something and really it's my own fault as I put it out into the universe that I needed a new project to keep me busy and I'm had no short supply since.

Easter is on it's way and I've got nothing for the girls yet.  I know they probably don't believe in the Easter Bunny any longer but I know they still want something to mark the day.  I'll need to hit up a few stores (or more likely Amazon) and get my butt in gear on this one.

Random Wednesday

 Today is the start of my random days of holidays.  i discovered I needed to take  bunch of time off before May 1st to use up holidays.  I'm starting with a half day today and then it will go from there.  I worked it out that between Monday and May 1st I'll only work 9 whole days.  The rest will be half or full days off.

Today with my afternoon off, I'm out to get turkeys and hams for the Annual Bingo put on by the parent council of the school.  That's coming up quick and we really need to get these sorted now to avoid missing out on them.  The school does have a freezer so we can keep them fresh (well frozen) until the bingo date.  I also have to get some stuff for the concession but that can wait until next week.  

Not too much else happening here today.  We got a call yesterday that Bear managed to get into swimming lessons off the waitlist so that's good.  She can complete level 6 and be on her way to being a better swimmer.  Bug is very excited for her lessons, she would live in the water if we let her I think.

Back to Driving!

 It took ten months and one day but I finally got my license back.  I've not had a seizure or any of my episodes since September and I'm very grateful for that.  It seems like the drugs are working and hopefully they keep it up.  I've just been so conscious that someone always had to take me somewhere that to be able to go on my own is a great relief.  

In other news here Bear has completed her year of Cheerleading and they capped it off with a second place win at Provincials.  The team was so excited and everyone was very please with the result.  Bug is almost done bowling for the year as well.  She's improved so much this year and has done really well.